Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
