If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
