Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
