someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
