I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
