What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
