dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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