You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
is that a dick in a sweater?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
