I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
