Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
