Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
