Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
