Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
