There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
