Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
