So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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