No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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