3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i jhust puked up my retainher.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
