Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
