Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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