I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The air taste purple.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
