Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
