Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
