that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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