Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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