Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
