if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
