Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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