I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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