I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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