Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
they need to just BURY HIM!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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