I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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