had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
