The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
