so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
