What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
