I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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