I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
