So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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