Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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