So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
