I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
