I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
