mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
