you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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