so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
