RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
