guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
