i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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