bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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