it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
