I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
